The Opening Principle says, “People open to open people.”
In other words, when one person opens to another, the other usually responds by opening up in return.
People open to open people (Photo: naan)
A couple weeks ago, I went camping with some friends and two of my brothers. The second evening out, one particular friend of mine stayed up with one of my brothers and I until 4:30 am. We chatted about life and love and feelings no one else has.
In the middle of it all, I realized the Opening Principle in full form. My brother and I are pretty close. This particular friend and I are also pretty close. But still, as I opened up, they opened up. And as they opened up, I opened up.
The responses were so predictable they were almost mechanical. Except they weren’t… because they were totally genuine.
People love connection
- People love talking about their relationship problems. People love talking about their spiritual doubts and struggles. People love talking about their fears to help process them.
- And on the flip side, people love sharing about their plans and dreams, their hobbies and projects, and their kids and new friends they’re making.
Overall, people love having deep conversations. In fact, we crave them. But most of the time, we stay in our little cocoons simply because we fear vulnerability more than we crave connection.
But people want safety first
When someone else gets vulnerable first, when someone else exposes a sensitive spot first, we feel safer. It’s as though they’ve given us blackmail material, so we know they can’t turn on us. So we open up.
Now let’s reverse that. Let’s say we’re the ones opening up first. Let’s say we’re the ones sharing the blackmail material first. Let’s say we jump first… without the safety net.
Yeah, that’s how to help people open up. Because people open to open people.
Serving Suggestions:
(1) Think of something you probably don’t want to share. Here’s how I find mine: I just ask, What am I struggling with right now? Then I ask, What am I struggling with that I don’t want anyone to know about? That’s what you should share.
(2) So find someone, get ‘em in a one on one conversation, and share what you don’t want to share. Your friends might not open up right then (they might be a little surprised at your openness), but as time goes on, that opening will make it easier and easier for them to open back up to you.
It definitely helps for people to open up to you if, you first take the initiative. I have seen it happen many times personally in my life too. I think when we take the step to share a personal issue with, we are indirectly telling that person that “I trust you”.
One on one conversations definitely help build deeper relationships and thus helps further in accountability:)
P.S: The one thing we should be careful when sharing something personal with someone;is that they should be not be gossip mongers.
Thanks for that P.S. add. I actually had a post set for today that addressed that question called “When is saying too much SAYING TOO MUCH?”
I ended up holding off on posting it, though… so I’m glad you added the clarification here.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
i’m being genuine in my thoughts here, and hope i don’t come across as harsh; that is not my intention. here are a few questions i have:
- is this a form of manipulation? when does it become so?
- is it really wise to share that which you most desire not to? [i'm thinking pearls before swine or something like that?]
- are we worried about (or should we be) a sort of emotional over-commitment? [i guess this concern mostly has to do with sharing with members of the opposite sex.]
Wow, those are all very good and certainly legitimate questions. For what it’s worth, here’s my take:
1. Is this a form of manipulation?
Most people I think would say manipulation tends to conceal truth to accomplish an end, as opposed to, say, persuasion (or influence) which reveals truth to accomplish an end. Based on those definitions, I’d say opening up to someone falls more under the revealing/influencing side than under the concealing/manipulating side.
But to make it even more obvious, you could share exactly what you’re doing. Say, “I’d like to share something with you that I’ve not shared with others because I’m usually uncomfortable sharing it. I think sharing it with you, though, will help us both open up to one another and take our friendship to a whole new level. Do you mind listening?”
Of course, saying something like that takes a lot of guts because it probably seems awkward for most people. But from experience, it’s not as awkward as it seems, and people do appreciate it (I know I do).
What do you think, though? Do you think it’s too manipulative? At what point does something move from influence to manipulation?
2. Is it really wise to share that which you most desire not to?
As I mentioned in my comment right above here, I have a post coming soon about when saying too much is SAYING TOO MUCH. Hopefully, it will address this question. So stay tuned…
I will say here, though, that the section on “pearls before swine,” from what I remember, seems to be speaking in the context of sharing advice, not so much sharing your feelings/struggles/joys/etc. Sharing advice is a whole other topic in itself because there are so many wrong (and right) ways to share it.
3. Are we worried about (or should we be) a sort of emotional over-commitment?
With members of the opposite sex, absolutely. This is a great point to bring up. I’d suggest steering clear of this with them. Stay male/male or female/female. Especially as Christian men, we shouldn’t ever try to “help women open up to us” (unless they’re a spouse, daughter, mother, etc.). Even as “counselors,” I think that’s too dangerous.
With members of the same sex, again see my upcoming post. In general, though, the problem is with not sharing and not opening rather than sharing too much.
What are your thoughts? Have you had experiences where you’ve shared too much and looking back realized you probably shouldn’t have shared what you did?
-Marshall Jones Jr.
good answers, marshall. i like the idea of actually letting someone know what you’re doing and why — it just feels more honest to me.
and to answer your question… yes, i have definitely shared too much on several occasions. though i do agree over-sharing doesn’t generally seem to be the problem. except in dating relationships. i think emotional over-commitment is one of our biggest problems in modern-day romance and the like.
Yes, I definitely feel your concern when it comes to sharing with the opposite sex.
I went from being very closed because I was afraid of that happening, to opening up way too much, to trying to be very cautious again. In the middle there, I bought into the whole “you’re being legalistic – this is the 21st century” criticism. Now I’m like, “Listen, you’ll thank me later.”
I think it’s interesting you pointed out that emotional over-commitment is one of the biggest problems in modern dating. I don’t even know how to put this, but trying to take that a little further, I’d say we’re over-committing our emotions but under-committing our lives, meaning that we give away too much emotionally (and even physically) but rarely submit our lives to other people.
We want people to be drawn to us emotionally, but we don’t want to give up our options. We want the benefits but not the responsibility of open emotions.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
i like that last sentence, marshall. it’s very telling. excellent thoughts.
now if i can just understand the culture in which i’m living as well as i think we’re reading american culture…
Yep, understanding is one thing – living it out is another.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
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“..we stay in our little cocoons simply because we fear vulnerability more than we crave connection.”
Wow. That hit me right in the gut. I’ve been struggling with a self-imposed isolation for almost 5 years. I know it’s very unhealthy, I know I have to change to find happiness, but the energy to take action just isn’t there…yet. Thanks for reminding me what is possible on the other side.
You’re welcome. I love how you described the problem too: “I know it’s very unhealthy, I know I have to change to find happiness, but the energy to take action just isn’t there…”
I think a lot of what we deal with boils down to that. We know, in technical terms, how to fix the problem. We just don’t have the inspiration to actually do it.
We don’t need more info – we need the courage to follow through with what we already know.
-Marshall Jones Jr.