Friender mindset: The subtle difference that makes them amazing
If you visit the subscription page here at bondChristian.com, you’ll notice you have to sign up to get updates emailed to you. That’s opt-in. You “opt-in” to get them.
What if instead I automatically sent you updates before you told me to? What if instead you had to sign up to stop me from emailing you? That’s opt-out. You “opt-out” to stop getting emails.
- With opt-in, you have to do something to get something.
- With opt-out, you have to do something to stop getting something.
In most cases, especially on the Internet, opt-in is more ethical. It means I only do what you tell me to do instead of forcing you to tell me to stop.
But opt-in isn’t always best. Sometimes, opt-out is better. For example…
Opt-out is better for friendship
And it’s what sets frienders apart.
As you might have guessed, a friender is someone who makes friends on purpose. You can of course have friends without being a friender. Perhaps your friends are the frienders who made the friendship happen, or perhaps the whole relationship developed naturally based on circumstances. But frienders are the real pros.
Frienders approach friendship differently than everyone else. Frienders make friendship opt-out. Frienders make you do something to not be their friend.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Frienders make it harder to not be their friend than to be their friend.
Is that what you do?
Why the difference matters
It seems like a subtle difference. After all, in both cases, I’m free to choose either way. The notable distinction is which option requires more effort on my part. But that distinction is what makes frienders so effective in their friendships.
It makes sense, right? If I automatically sent you email updates from bondChristian.com unless you told me to quit, we’d obviously have more subscribers here.
That’s exactly what frienders do. That’s how they think.
Frienders assume everyone is their friend unless someone actively refuses the friendship. (I’m going to say it one more time. Get ready…)
Frienders make it more difficult to not be their friend than to be their friend.
If you become a friender, your whole mindset shifts. It shifts from “I’ll be their friend if that’s what they want” to “I’ll be their friend unless they refuse me,” which means you’ll automatically make more friends and develop deeper relationships.
But what about the ethical side?
As I mentioned, opt-in is usually the more ethical approach. And many people feel that’s true for friendship too.
When I was putting together How to Make a Friend, I got some resistance to a general assumption I make. I don’t I explicitly spell it out in the ebook, but the underlying tone and really the whole purpose behind the project was to make it difficult for you not to make a friend if you followed all the steps. The tactics I share all flow from that assumption.
But that makes some readers uncomfortable.
- Isn’t it presumptuous to assume everyone wants to be your friend?
- Isn’t is better to let your acquaintances back out of friendship if it’s moving too quickly for them?
- Isn’t it manipulative to force someone into a friendship?
Tough questions. You’ll have to answer them on your own. Here’s my take, though:
- Friendship is difficult.
- Most people don’t develop deep friendships because it’s difficult.
- If I make it easy, most people want to be friends.
To put it bluntly, I’m willing to aggravate the small minority who don’t want friends to reap friendships with the large majority who do. And here’s a little secret everyone should know: that small minority is so tiny I’m not even sure it exists.
How to make friendship opt-out
So you know where I’m coming from. You probably still have questions and worries about it, but now you’re starting to wonder what all this implies. Say you do want to try making friends on purpose… say you’re willing to become a friender and make friendship opt-out, what next?
Well, I laid out a course in my ebook that’s worked for me, but I’ll share how to create your own, personal version tomorrow. For now…
Serving Suggestions:
(1) You could opt-in to let me notify you when the next post goes up (and all the rest of the posts too). 
(2) You could share your take on defaulting to friendship. In other words, how do you feel about assuming that everyone wants your friendship and making it difficult for them to get out of it?