Suspending judgment: 3 reasons and 3 ways to start
Through high school, a close friend of mine wanted to join the military. He loved guns and explosives and all that cool stuff. After high school, I jumped straight into college, but my friend didn’t jump straight into the military.
Instead, he got a couple of jobs he didn’t enjoy and started dating a bunch of girls he didn’t know too well.
At this point, I’m thinking, Come on – what happened to our dreams? What happened to being amazing? What happened to doing what we love and what matters?
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized I was just being a stick in the mud. I was doing exactly what other people had done to me by forcing expectations on my friend. I didn’t like it done to me, and my friend didn’t like it done to him.
All of us have been accused of judging others, whether it’s implied or actually said out loud. Often, we’d love to take that “judge not” advice, but it’s hard. The mechanics of actually not judging are pretty tough to pin down.
To get any sense of how to do it, I think it helps to start by understanding why to suspend judgment in the first place. So here are three reasons…
1. To understand others
If we automatically try to judge what others are saying and doing, we can’t understand them. We might accurately assume they’re wrong or right, but we won’t know why they choose that path or why we might end up choosing that path… unless we first suspend judgment.
2. To connect with others
The more you and I understand others and relate to them, the stronger our connection to them becomes. We begin to feel what they feel, not just think what they think. And they’ll start responding the same way.
3. To not be judged
First off, the less you judge others, the more receptive they’ll be to what you say and do. As an influencer, this is crucial. Secondly, though, Jesus clearly says that those who judge will be judged in return. So from a selfish perspective, it just makes sense to be as gracious as possible.
“For I have given you an example , that you should do as I have done to you.” -John 13:15
Okay, okay. You hear this all the time, right? Matthew 7:1 is the only verse your unsaved friends know. The question is, how do we actually do this in practice? How do we NOT judge? Here are three ideas that help me…
1. Think of judgment as evaluation
“Judgment” is a stiff, archaic, legal word. I don’t really get it. So to help bring it into context, I like thinking of judgment as evaluation.
Judgment, to me, implies sentencing and punishment. I don’t consciously do that to people every day. But evaluation… evaluation, to me, implies measurement and assessment or simply finding the value of something. I do that all the time. Do you?
I’ve found that by replacing judgment with evaluation in my mind, I’m able to get a better handle on it and as a result catch myself when it comes up.
2. Understand that people are not their perspective
Many Christians claim to love people but not necessarily what they do. I think that’s an excellent start, but it doesn’t go far enough. It’s true that you and I evaluate people based on what they do, but it’s also true that we evaluate them based on what they think. Consider…
- We’re patient with actions but not with beliefs.
- We’re patient with sin but not with the desire to sin.
- We’re patient with stupidity but not with people who want to stay that way.
In order to suspend judgment, don’t you and I need to move to that next level? Isn’t that what it’s all about, suspending judgment on what people think, not just what they do?
I think so. And I think the best way to do that is to recognize that people are independent of their perspectives. So to actually make that happen…
3. Ask why would I, not why should they
You’re putting yourself in their position, while switching the focus from morality to motivation. You can do this out loud in your conversation, or you can just do it in your head. For example…
- Evaluating question: “As Christians, why should (or shouldn’t) they call homosexuality a sin?”
- Understanding question: “As a Christian, why would (or wouldn’t) I call homosexuality a sin?”
[Insert your own examples if that one doesn’t work well for you.]
Whatever the situation, that second kind of question is much harder to ask and even harder to answer honestly, but it’s the kind you’ll learn the most from. Because as you’ll notice, you can debate whether positions are right or wrong, but every, single one has a valid motivation behind it.
To see what I mean, let’s return to the story at the beginning…
An example of suspending judgment
When I realized I had been evaluating my friend, I decided instead to step back to try to understand him. Why would I do what he’s doing? What would motivate me to do that? What’s he feeling? Of course, that’s when it became really obvious why I would.
See, my friend and I, even though we grew up together, have different perspectives on life, more different than I originally thought. As a result, when his took him down a path than I didn’t expect (or want), I immediately assumed he was making bad decisions.
- My friend thinks working crazy hours builds success.
- My friend assumes a large bank account guarantees security.
- My friend hopes that one of his random dates will care deeply about him.
I don’t agree with any of those approaches to life, but those are judgments so that’s not the point. Now I’m trying to understand his motivation, and I’m realizing that it’s similar to mine. Who knew, right? He feels what I feel. It’s just that he acts on those feelings differently than I would because of his perspective on life.
In a general sense, he wants people to care about him, same as me.
I wish I could say he and I are buddy buddies now, but that’s not true. The story is just to highlight how learning to suspend judgment helped me understand my friend and pointed me toward connecting with him instead of continuing to separate.
And I think the same could apply to you.
Serving Suggestions:
(1) Don’t think in terms of good and bad at first. Instead, think in terms of motivation: why does this person think or act this way?
(2) When you’re talking about an issue with someone, focus on the perspective, not the person. Sometimes, this is as simple as asking, “Why does your belief work like that?” instead of, “Why do you think that?” By sectioning off the belief, it’s easier for both of you to discuss it from an outside perspective without directly attacking each other. Subtleties like this can go a long way.