Matchmaker tips for recommending friends

Who’s your best friend… or at least one of your really, really good friends (but not related to you)?

Got a name and face in mind?

Okay, why are you close? Is it just a result of circumstances, or is there something you really enjoy about this person?

Once you’ve answered those questions, I encourage you to write them down. You’ll use them again in a few minutes.

Now let me make a prediction: I’d love to meet this person, the person you thought of. Why? Because I love making friends, learning more about other people through their friends, and if you really enjoy this person, then there’s a good chance I’ll enjoy that person too.

In fact, I’d guess that most of your friends are like me: they’d love to meet the people you care about.

Ditch the idea of matchmaking to help friends get dates, and start thinking in terms of helping your friends make friends. Oddly enough, the results from the latter last longer. Plus, I know I love when my friends introduce me to their friends, so why not turn that around for others?

Who to recommend

The first task in recommending friends is to figure out who you’re going to connect.

You could just connect all your friends to one another, which would probably work better than nothing.
I think a better approach, though, is to specifically single out friends who will jive together, starting with – as I suggested at the beginning – your best friend. If two of your super close friends have never met, there’s a huge likelihood that they’ll get along, even if they don’t seem to share many of the same interests. So hook ’em up.
Another option is to recommend friends who don’t have many other friends. Some people choose to have a relatively small circle of friends. Others, though, simple don’t know how or are too timid to actively pursue new friendships. So instead of trying to match up people who are already super busy, try to match up friends who need new friends.
I’m a fan of Facebook, so I like using it to find friends who might enjoy meeting each other. See who’s commenting on your statuses. See who’s interested in some of the same stuff. You can do this the old fashioned way by looking through your Rolodex, but for me, online tools are much faster.
Also, in order to recommend friends, you need to have friends. Sounds simple enough, but it’s not. To help jump-start your pool of options, join a few groups you’ve never been a part of. Try to meet new friends yourself. Be the initiator instead of always relying on your friends for recommendations. (As you know, I’ve written more about making friends here.)
I usually avoid opposite sex match-making because it looks too much like romantic match-making. Unless there’s a specific reason, like a common interest, stick with big groups if you’re introducing opposite sex friends at all.
Some people are naturally more gifted with seeing possible connections. Usually, though, it’s just a matter of paying attention to others and becoming aware of their personalities.

How to prepare your friends for each other

This is optional. You won’t always have the opportunity to plan this much (you shouldn’t even try for this all the time). However, it is a good idea in some situations.

Start with one friend (we’ll call him Dan). I like starting with the one I’m closer to because that one trusts me more. So tell Dan you know someone else (we’ll call him Paul) that you think he should meet. Explain a little about why they should meet, like maybe they’re interested in some of the same things, have a similar perspective on life, or just enjoy hanging out with you and having a good time. Sell Dan on meeting Paul.
Once Dan’s on board, you can use that as leverage to get your other friend, Paul, excited about meeting. Say to Paul, “Yeah, I told my friend, Dan, about you. I told him you’re interested in hot air ballooning. He owns one and flies, and he said he’d love to get together with you.” Bam! Instant setup. People love when other people are interested in them.
You can even go back to Dan and tell him that Paul is exciting about getting together. They’ll like each other before they even meet.
Warning: be careful, though, not to set people up where one person is mooching off the other. Often, when people want recommendations, that’s what they’re looking for. Steer clear of this by making sure that both friends are benefiting from the connection, not just one.

How to introduce two of your friends to each other

Once you come up with a match, the next step is to introduce them.

Arrange for the three of you to meet up. If you’re all married, bring your spouses along too. The goal, though, is to keep this as intimate as possible, so don’t invite a bunch of other friends along at first.
Don’t share phone numbers, email addresses, or physical addresses without permission. Do share Facebook and Twitter profiles (and blogs if possible).
When your friends are first meeting, you’ll need to guide the conversation. At least throw out a common interest that they both might enjoy talking about. “Yeah, Dan’s a drummer too.” Whatever. At best, stick with them through the conversation.
Sometimes, you won’t even know who to recommend or you won’t even plan it. Instead, you might just throw a party or plan a get-together for a weekend and invite your friends from different groups. Make sure you actively mix people up, that everyone’s not just staying with the people they know. And then keep track of which friends seem to get along during the event and followup with them afterward more personally.
At the end of the meetup, whether it’s a big group or small but especially if it’s the first time, try to throw out the possibility of connecting again. Say, “Hey, we should exchange numbers.” And then give yours. Not everyone will want to share their phone number (that’s where Facebook comes in), but you’ll want to at least encourage the idea of continuing the connections. Some friends who’ve connected well will probably volunteer their contact info to each other, which is exactly what you want.

How to help cultivate the new friendship

One introduction won’t do it alone, just like when you meet someone. You have to continue to followup.

At first, you might have to keep making all the plans. Set up dinners or outings and invite your friends to come out.
After a while, you can encourage your friends to get together on their own. Ask if one of them would like to set up next week’s plans, something like that. That’ll get contact info exchanging, if it has been already. Plus, it’ll get your friends used to the idea of setting stuff up on their own.
As a gentle nudge, tell your friends to set something up but let them know up front that you won’t be able to make it. Since you told them to set it up, you can ask about it afterward. Keep that up a few times, and pretty soon they’ll be doing it automatically, with or without you.
Finally, get out of the way. That can be difficult for you, especially if you really enjoy both of your friends. You’ll want to participate in everything with them. But if they’re really going to become friends on their own, you need to give them space and let them interact by themselves… in other words, without you.

Overall, these are just suggested tips. Go with the flow though. Don’t force your friends to become friends. Instead, be aware of those around you… because surely some of them would love to connect.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Okay, go back to your best friend, the one I told you to write down in the beginning. Use what you know about that friend to come up with someone else that friend should meet and then set them up together. Make it enjoyable for everyone.

(2) What are your tips for recommending people? What’s worked for you?