How to train someone’s self-control
This is the tenth post in the Others-oriented fruit of the Spirit series. The topic is self-control. Get future posts delivered to you for free by grabbing the RSS feed or email updates.
Who wants self-control? Who wants to give it away?
If you’re like me, self-control is a virtue you value developing, but, “It takes too much self-control to learn self-control!” Also, self-control sounds Asian to me. I rarely associate it with Christianity. Self-control is for Tibetan monks, right?
All of these misconceptions come from our culture’s version of self-control instead of the biblical version. The popular approach to self-control is to try to change habits. While habits are certainly wonderful to change, they’re difficult to alter when we focus on them first.
The Bible offers a different approach.
“Do not be deceived: evil company corrupts good habits.” -1 Corinthians 15:33
Changing habits fails because of unchanged company. It’s the classic case of garbage in garbage out. You can’t change the output (habits) without first changing the input (influential friends). That’s crazy.
So the shift is simple. Rather than focus on changing habits, focus on changing company.
I should point out too that the biblical version of self-control is about training to live in obedience to God. It’s bigger than the usual definition.
The usual definition might include the discipline of jogging three miles per day. While that might be within the biblical definition (yes, physical exercise is often part of God’s plan for us), that’s not the complete story. Biblical self-control is more comprehensive.
So how can you and I teach someone to have self-control when we don’t even have it ourselves? How can we help a friend stay (or become) obedient to God?
Short answer: Surround your friend with influences that promote self-control instead selfishness.
Realize Jesus Christ
This is the place to start. If your friend is focused on Jesus and all that He’s given, then self-control comes automatically. When I say “focused on Jesus,” I mean continually living with Jesus’ example in mind.
To do that, your friend must stay in prayer, keep reading the Bible, and constantly think about Jesus throughout daily life.
You can help your friend do this by checking in and keeping your friend accountable. Share what you’ve learned throughout the week in your devotions. Share what you’re praying about. Share some of the thoughts you’ve had about Christ.
By sharing, you encourage your friend and provide excitement for what Jesus has done and who He is. With enough encouragement, your friend will begin to realize (literally “make real”) Jesus in daily life.
Recommend excellent friends
I don’t think we recommend friends often enough. I’m more likely to recommend a restaurant or even a movie more than a friend. That’s sad since friends are much more important.
Recommending friends can feel awkward. Often we don’t even consider it. When was the last time you met someone and thought, “Wow, she’d be a wonderful friend for [INSERT OTHER FRIEND].” Sure, some of us think about hooking each other up with boyfriends or girlfriends, but how much do we match friends with friends?
Here are just a couple ways to do that off the top of my head:
- Parties. Meetings. Gatherings. These kind of events are often excellent opportunities to mix your friends together.
- Three person meetups. You can offer to meet for lunch and bring along a friend you think they should get to know. Three works well because it’s difficult for anyone to feel excluded from the conversation – even four can feel that way.
- Introductions. Sometimes you can introduce two of your friends and let them get to know one another on their own. This can work but both have to have a tightly focused reason for why they should connect. They both should have a common interest.
The key in any of these is to followup more than once. One introduction usually isn’t enough unless one of your friends is famous or they’re just committed to developing these new friendships. Usually neither of those is the case, so you have to provide more encouragement to make it happen.
Change yourself
How do you do that? See the first two: realize Jesus and switch up your friends. This doesn’t always mean dumping your old friends (though that’s certainly the case in many situations). It’s more about spending extra effort following and imitating and learning from friends who influence you positively.
Talk with them. Watch them. Study them. This way, you can turn it around to become a godly influence for those around you.
Telling someone about obedience to God is rarely as effective as providing real life examples.
Self-control for bondChristians isn’t about self disciplining self. It’s about disciplining self from the outside in. And that outside source is the Holy Spirit working through those we interact with. You and I can help others by setting up those interactions.
Serving Suggestions:
(1) Immerse your friends in godly influences. Use everything you have, not just your own influence.
(2) Followup. One time shots don’t usually have much lasting effect. Immerse and hold. 