Learn how to trust your friend
Giving your life to Christ includes trusting Him to take care of your life. And part of that includes becoming vulnerable to others. Fully trusting God means trusting friends when God wants us to… even when we don’t want to.
Over the past year or so, I’ve struggled with this more than any other year. I say I forgive, but I don’t start trusting immediately (if ever). Do you do that too?
Cautiousness is often wise, despite its negative reputation. But in relationships with other people, I think we need to learn to trust, not become more cautious. Even when we trust and get hurt as a result, it’s still the best choice in most cases.
So I’m trying to develop more trust in my friends. Without trust, relationships don’t work.
Pinpoint why you don’t trust your friend
In some situations, this can be pretty easy. In others, not so much. One of the first steps when you find yourself leery of others is to pinpoint who exactly you don’t trust.
1. Is it general distrust?
Are you skeptical of everyone (or at least most people)? If this is the case, you probably have some fundamental beliefs that are causing this lack of trust.
These beliefs, though, are usually rooted in specific events that led to the overall belief. You might have tried trusting a couple people, and they failed you. You formed a belief from this that everyone’s untrustworthy.
It could even seem (or be) logical. How many times in a row would you have to touch a hot stove to start believing that all of them are hot all the time? After a dozen tries, I’d say it would be reasonable to assume that.
2. Is it specific distrust?
Do you not trust a specific person? This is more the case for me. I’ve lost trust in a few people in my life. This doesn’t seem quite as bad as general distrust (and perhaps it’s not). But it can lead to other problems.
One that I’ve noticed in particular is that if I don’t confront these specific issues and learn to trust again, I can easily develop an escapist attitude. Like, Oh well, I’ll just make other friends since that one’s not working out. And that doesn’t lead anywhere good.
It’s not something to shrug off.
The nice (I guess) part about specific distrust is that usually it’s easier to pinpoint why you don’t trust this person. It’s usually because of a certain event or series of events.
From there, it just a matter of finding what exactly triggered the distrust. Certainly it’s not the whole event. Perhaps it’s how your friend reacted to it, the tone of her voice, the look in his eye. Try to get as specific as possible.
Write a letter of (very specific) complaint
One practical tool that seems to help me is to write a letter to this friend explaining why I’ve lost trust. You don’t necessarily have to send the letter. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t with your first draft, though some kind of letter writing would almost certainly help the situation.
Getting down to the minute details helps establish, at least in your mind, why the distrust exists. Knowing goes a long way.
Accept that your friend will fail you
This is the hardest part for me. It’s like lifting weights: I know it’s going to hurt the next day, but I’m doing it anyway to get stronger. (Actually, I’m not lifting weights, but you get the idea.)
Our culture, which is a culmination of our individual desires, conditions us to seek independence. As a result, we guard against trusting anyone who’s going to fail us. Supposedly, it’s a survival skill. We’re fine with people failing – everyone fails – but they sure better not fail us. At the first hint of someone failing us, distrust kicks in.
That’s not exactly the way God wants us to behave. Instead He wants us to trust Him through others. God can and will care for us through people t00. Even when they fail, God won’t (I’ll talk more about this in a moment).
I know I personally don’t go into friendships thinking they’re going to fail. That’s the last thing on my mind. If it is on my mind, I usually don’t make those friends.
But to become a true servant to others, you and I have to switch into that mode. We have to start off assuming – knowing even – that friends will fail, and we’ll have to pick up the pieces and learn to trust again.
Taking the initiative to prepare for failure is a must. It’s much more difficult to try to develop this after the mistakes have already been made, as I’m trying to do now.
Prepare to forgive without receiving an apology
Accepting failure in your friends and being okay with it is tough stuff. It starts with forgiving even when you never hear that apology or never see that repentance.
You can pull this off by committing ahead of time to forgive no matter what happens. Forgiveness is still a long way from trusting, but that trust will never come if your forgiveness isn’t already in place.
Realize you’re not just trusting your friend
You’re trusting God to care for you with your friend or despite your friend. Either way, you’re really placing your trust in God, not your friend.
You’re saying, “God, I don’t think this person is trustworthy – I think trusting this person could ruin ruin my life. But, because I trust you, Lord, I will become vulnerable to this person.”
You might even add Job’s prayer:
“Remember, I pray, that you have made me like clay…” -Job 10:8
Throughout the Bible, we’re always told to trust God, trust God, trust God. There are few places where the Bible tells us to place our trust in others. (One notable exception: the heart of the husband safely trusts the Proverbs 31 woman.)
Without exception, when God wants us to trust others, to submit to them, it’s always trust through them. All the planning in heaven or earth won’t let you build trust in your friends if it’s not first based on trust in God. If God isn’t the foundation, then yes, trusting anyone is stupid… because friends will fail you. That’s a given.
Often we lose trust in others because we stop trusting God. We start to doubt that He’ll take care of us through anything… including the craziness of friends.
So again, building that trust in God means continuing in prayer, reading and understanding God’s Word, and fellowshipping with other believers – all the normal stuff you and I know but forget to do.
You and I don’t trust others because it’ll benefit us – we trust them because it’s an extension of trusting God.
In this sense, here’s something else to consider: trust reveals your character more than the character of the person you’re trusting. That’s part of why God teaches us to trust others. The other part is that trusting others serves them instead of you and I.
Serving Suggestions:
(1) Who do you not trust? More than one person? Okay, pick just one. Consider re-reading this article with that one person in mind. What could you do to start trusting this friend?
(2) Now go do it. I say this all the time, but it’s because most of the time – at least for me – I love to plan and talk but never dive into the trenches. Don’t let that happen to you. Start trusting your friend. Become vulnerable.
(3) Finally, what have you learned about trusting your friends? How do you do it? How do you do it when you don’t want to?