Inviting yourself: An alternative to pimping YOUR stuff

Everyone knows hanging out with other people is a great way to make friends. We’ll invite people we know to a mid-week Bible study or a Labor Day picnic or maybe a weekend movie. As a friender, I love extending those invitations.

Sometimes, though, it gets to be too much. At first, your friends really appreciate you setting up outing, but if you do it too much, you end up sounded like you’re always pushing something.

Come out to MY event. Come out to MY party. Come out to MY church.

Another idea to consider – one I try to use as soon as I can after first meeting someone – is to invite yourself to THEIR event, party, or church.

How not to invite yourself

Of course, you have to be careful how you do this. Inviting yourself to specific things can sound rude:

“Someone told me you’re going to the movies on Friday night. Can I come?”

Even if you don’t feel it, that puts your friend in an awkward position if they’d rather you didn’t come along. If they don’t want you along, they’ll either have to tell you you can’t come, which can be tough all around, or give in to the pressure and let you come, which wasn’t what they really wanted.

I’m all for making friends, and that often requires pushing things a bit, but this is not usually one of those kinds of situations. In this situation, if you find out your friend is going to the movies, use that information to plan your own movie night next week (or month) to invite that friend. Even if the movie doesn’t happen then, you’ll get your friend thinking of you next time they arrange their movie night.

[Note: All of this assumes you are friends but not super, super close. With super close friends, the game changes, which is why I love that’s why I love super close friendships). With them, you might be able to invite yourself straight up. I’ve invited myself to spend the night with close friends, and they’ve done the same with me. Just know there are exceptions to etiquette with super close friends.]

How to invite yourself

Inviting yourself to specific parties might be too pushy, so offer yourself generally:

“If you’re ever doing something on a weekend or whatever and want someone else to come along, let me know.”

[Note: Don’t use this one when you know they’re specifically doing something already. That’ll sound like you’re hinting.]

This general offer is a great way gauge how receptive your friend is to having you tag along. Your friend might say, “Oh, sure. I go shopping at the mall with some friends fairly often. Maybe you’d like to come with us.” That’s means probably means they’re interested. Think again, though, if they say, “Well… okay, I guess.”

Another approach, if you know the person a little better, is to mention a specific interest but leave out a specific date:

“So yeah, I heard you’re in a band. Let me know next time you play out. I’d like to come hear you.”

Your friend is much more likely to remember to invite you if you’ve already shown interest in something you know they do.

Final warning

If you ask a friend to invite you, make sure you actually go with them. If you have a legitimate excuse once in a while, that’s fine. But a couple of those in a row will kill the whole thing – your friend will forget to invite you in the future.

Remember, you’re making a promise (that you’d like to hang out with them), and declining once they invite you breaks that promise. That’s how you lose trust.

On the other hand, following through keeps the promise and builds trust while showing you’re genuinely interested in what they’re up to. That’s a recipe for friendship.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Surely you know someone you haven’t hung out with in a while. Call that person, tell them you don’t have any plans this weekend, and say, “Are you doing anything fun? Anything where I could come and hang out with you?”

(2) Yes, inviting yourself means keeping your schedule flexible. So does making friends. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Make the time.